Waiting and Smothering

      I don't mean to. I don't know what else to do. She is normal. Nothing is wrong and yet I find myself asking how she is doing every 5 minutes and It's starting to get to her. Always asking her and knowing now how it's making her crazy it reminds me of this:

 What I think I sound like

      On Tuesday she goes in to get a power port and then on Thursday is the first round of chemo. I'm sure it will get worse with me but at least after that I will have purpose. This week up to then it's anything she wants to eat on the possible chance her taste buds betray her after treatment starts.

      One week to go and then...who know's. She could be just fine through all of this. I keep telling myself that. Hope for the best and plan for the worst right. Trying to keep busy and not constantly asking her "the question". This place is going to be so clean.

T minus 13 days

      Becca met with a nurse over at Lakeland today and was given info on what's to come. Which all came in..you guessed it. ANOTHER BINDER!! I swear every department we have gone to has given us an informational binder. We have like 4 or 5. I think we will place them all on our bookshelf and start a little informational clinic of our own. But no kids cause 1 of them has pictures of boobies.
      She will have a port implanted sometime between Wednesday and the 6th and starts chemo on February 6th. Returning every 3 weeks for another infusion. So any of you out there looking to get her a hat or wig or something she should be good to go with those around the 22nd. Her attitude is good and she's ready to just get going. I guess we all are. I'd like to skip ahead to this time next year actually.
      So that's it. Small post but not much else to tell you about. Oh there is one other thing. Our application for the Kohl's foundation was accepted! I think that will pay our utility bills so that's a big help. And to the anonymous person who sent us a $20.00 donation  in the mail today...THANK YOU! It's people like you that restore my faith in humanity and remind me that there are kind people out there you have never met.

Ready...Set...GO

      Met with the oncologist today over at Lakeland. Very nice and up front guy who talks with his hands a lot and has freakishly long fingers. Glad he's an oncologist and not a proctologist. All kidding aside we have some more information. Her bone scan came back great and the CT scan showed nothing to be concerned about right now. She is Stage 2a which is great! So two REALLY BIG THUMBS way way up on that score. Now onto the next 6 months. Ready...set...GO:
      Becca will meet with a surgeon on Wednesday to talk about having a port put in and hopefully that will be done shortly after. 2 Chemo drugs will be given over 6 months the first being what people apparently like to call the "Red Devil". This is the one that causes the hair loss and general crappy feeling. She will have 1 treatment every 2-3 weeks for 4 sessions. After this she will get another drug once a week for 12 weeks. This is accompanied by more crappiness but not as severe. I still don't know if I'm going to call her Powder or Cue Ball. I'll have to see her first I guess.
      Her co-workers have been truly amazing after they found out. One has given her a very soft blanket, neck pillow and some good lotion to use during chemo. Oh, not to mention super soft and warm socks and a bag to carry it all in.
      Still trying to get word out there about the donation page so thank you all who have shared it. And one of my best friends, Amy Hackney, has started a Tastefully Simple fundraiser party for Rebecca! Feel free to take a look here!
      Anyways thanks all again for all the support. If not for our friends and family, not to mention strangers, sending the kind words and thoughts our way this would be way harder. BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER!

. Till next time,
                                    Chris

And now a word from our sponsor

      Today we go see the oncologist at Lakeland for test results and to find out when she will be starting chemo (we hope) but I wanted to make sure I put this in here in case some of you haven't seen it. Becca wanted to say something to all of you so....here it is :    

Pardon my silence on here since the news of my diagnosis came out. I've been quite overwhelmed by both how quickly the word has spread and by the kindness shown in the shares, the comments, the messages, the thoughts and prayers, the words and the deeds. I know that I am not special, not the only person to have ever faced this or who is facing this now, nor do I believe that I am any more deserving or worthy than those other people to receive such support. I am truly stunned and humbled by all of this.

As for me, I'm doing fine. Really. The anxiety that I had right after I got my diagnosis is basically gone and I'm ready to move on with this treatment. It won't be easy, it won't be pretty, but I'll keep my chin up and keep moving forward. I won't be posting any pink ribbons, any "Click 'like' if you hate cancer" memes. You won't see how I'm feeling on a day to day basis. My gosh, I'd get sick of me! This is the last I'll probably mention it for a while. (Though you never know - you might see some pictures of some cool hats or wigs in the coming months.) I'll get through this - WE will get through this.

This is my time to yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.

Thank you all again, my friends. What an amazing group of people to call "friends".

                                                                   Rebecca


       I'll be back later to let you know how things went and what's next.

Much Love

      I was awed by the response and page views I found throughout the day we "came out". I am honored and humbled by the show of love and support for the woman I call my life. Each and every one of you needs to know how much that touches us. We've always had hope throughout this but you make it that much greater. Thank you and please share. The more the merrier I always say. Here's Becca today...I made her do the thumbs up. She loves me :)

Strike That Reverse It

      We met with the doctor today and were advised of the treatment recommendations. I just have to say that Dr Kong is amazing. This whole place is. Ok so she is going to have chemo first. Not what we were expecting but I guess get the bad stuff out of the way first. After that is the surgery. Sometime after June and the radiation to follow-up.
      Good news however is that we will be able to go to Lakeland for chemo treatments!  The oncologist is very trusted by Dr Kong and she cant speak more highly about thus guy. That's going to help a lot.
      We met with a social worker and turned in all of the MANY papers for aid. Our insurance, while having a huge deductible, is pretty good after. Just doesn't kick in till that's paid. With that said I started a donation page you can find here https://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-make-possible-a-cancer-free-future-for-becca/127397 Please spread the word. We are not above asking for help as we know we can't do this alone.
       I think that's it for now.  We should have a chemo start date Thursday and then it's once or twice a week for about 20 weeks. Thanks for reading :) .

Of course they are

      So we got results today and her lymph nodes are positive. Now not at all are positive but two or three are which from my understanding means they will be taking out a cluster of nodes during surgery and she will have to go through chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy. I like that word radiotherapy. It sounds so much better than radiation treatments. Like you can put on any kind of music that you like and blast it and it would help. That sounds a lot better. I like that and that's all I'm going to think about it.
     I guess I was holding out that the suspicious nodes were just that.. suspicious. And nothing will come of it. Kinda hanging on to that and now I don't have anything to hang on to. I don't want her to have to go through this and there's nothing I can do to stop it. She's dealing with this result lot better than I am and I guess in the back of my head I knew it was going to be positive. I guess I just wanted one thing to go our way. She would have a mastectomy and that would be the end of it. No chemo, no radiation. I guess if there's just a small chance I hold on to that. With everything. On the plus side I guess with all the testing done we have all of our answers.
     We meet with the doctor on Tuesday to finalize what we're going to do and we should have a date for surgery. I'm thinking probably the first week in February. I guess that's all for now I don't feel like writing too much more. Thanks all for reading. Feel free to message me or leave a comment. I'll get back to you. I'm going to go clean something now.

This will cost you an arm and a breast. Ok keep the arm.

Day 14

      Today was uneventful except for a couple informational tid bits. Met with a genetics counselor who is pretty darn sure Becca should have no worries hereditary wise when it comes to cancer er, sorry...CARCINOMA. Becca also had an ultrasound and final biopsy on a couple lymph nodes that looked a little sketchy. We should know those results by Friday and then meet with the Dr. on Tuesday to get things going. Probably going to have the surgery 1st week in February because the genetics testing results will be back before then and will indicate if a Bi-Lateral mastectomy is a better way to go.
      Oh yeah that genetics testing? 2800.00! That's two thousand eight hundred dollars!! Good news is that's half way to our deductible. Bad news is that well...we can't pay that. I will be trying to set up payment plans and like with everyone and their mother. We met with a financial social worker who gave us a lot of information and numbers to call and papers to fill out. It all looks very stressful and tiring but we'll get through it and cross our fingers. The social worker stopped short of calling the insurance Becca has as shit. I said laughable. She said that's one word for it. Nice lady. I like her.
      At this time we will be waiting on results from today. I don't expect to post again till then. Thanks for reading and if you need me I'll be over by Walmart, in the median, looking for spare change.

WTF

Day 10
     
      The first couple days were hard. The first being the worst. I've been fine since. Then I'm taking a shower today and have Pandora on as I usually do. Chose to put it on shuffle. DON'T EVER PUT IT ON SHUFFLE if there is a major life event happening. I'm doing good, got Beastie Boys going, thinking about what I will clean today and then this comes on

      Now I like Peter Gabriel. I have a station for him on Pandora. But this song is now BANNED in this house. I started think about everything she's going to be going through, and loss, and pain, and gods damnit I cried for a half hour! F YOU Peter!
      On a lighter non eye stinging side of things she has decided on the tissue replacement and made the call this morning. Tuesday is ultrasound and another biopsy and after that surgery. We're thinking the last week this month but nothing is scheduled yet.
      By the way...if that damned Kate Bush song from She's Having A Baby comes on ANYWHERE...I'm jumping.

Yay for boobies!!

Day 9

     Well its been a informational gathering kind of day. Lots of questions asked and answered and we found out that two lymph nodes look suspicious. We will find out more on that after the ultrasound on Tuesday. On a positive note we also found out that, thanks to former President Clinton, reconstruction of her breast is covered (not fully) and augmentation of her other breast to match is as well. It is not considered cosmetic so yay for boobies!
      She is still unsure if she wants to go with tissue reconstruction or have an implant. I say tissue so that she can never be called fake lol. There is less maintenance involved in tissue as opposed to an implant. An implant has the possibility of failing and it is good for 12 years sometimes it'll last 5 other times in could last 20 where as tissue becomes part of you and it's from your own body so there is less likelihood of rejection or problems. Taking this tissue from her tummy will create a scar larger than she would like as well as she will have another location for pain and healing. This is, I think, the issue that she's most thinking about.
     That's it for now more information to follow. I started re watching heroes on Netflix and there's one part at the end of one episode that spoke of change and I really liked it so I'm going to include it here:
    In the beginning there was discovery. A confusion of elements. The fist snowfall of impossible change. Old lives undone, left behind. Strange faces made familiar. New nightmares to challenge sleep. New friends to feel safe with. Only then comes control. The need to impose order onto chaos. Through determination, through study and through struggle. All in defiance of a thundering truth. This is real and we are changed.
     

Steve where's Blue?

Day 8     

       So today was a consult with the plastic surgeon and I swear if you took a quick look at him he looks like Steve from Blues Clues. It was weird. Here's Steve holding, manipulating and measuring my wifes breasts. Parents out there know how odd this seemed. It was weird! I half expected him to bring out a crayon and a plastic notebook.

       We got a lot of good information about reconstruction and options. She doesn't have long to decide because they have to book the time soon. Looking at an implant or her own tissue, probably, from her tummy. Lots of pros and cons to weigh so no decision as of yet. Next it was onto the MRI with contrast after a surprisingly not too bad diner in the hospital cafe.

        While she was in there I waited an hour watching Netflix. Not much info on this part and now we don't go back till Tuesday. We did laugh a lot and I'm not sure those around understood why we were laughing if we were there for cancer carcinoma (It's now called that instead of cancer cause it's classier according to her). I like to keep her laughing. What else are you gonna do? When we have more info I'll be posting it but for now it's steady as we go.

The More You Know

Day 7

      Oh so much information to go through. Spent what seamed like the entire day at Froedtert which I have to say that the staff there is out of this world AMAZING! Nothing but smiles and comforting looks from everyone. Very helpful and patient. If you get cancer go there as I highly recommend them. Ok on to the schtuff. Becca has 3 masses. 2 are grade 3 and 1 is grade 1. Aggressiveness is graded 1-3 with 3 being very aggressive. She is looking like stage 2 at this point which is good. She has more testing tomorrow and Tuesday but right now we are looking at a mastectomy and possible chemo. 50/50 on the chemo right now which is awesome. All in all we are doing better than we have been this last week. We looked at each other and could kinda see the stiffness melt from our shoulders. This is not the gloom and doom we were expecting! Holy shit!
      We are both looking forward to a good nights sleep without the anxiety of today's information gathering looming before us. We have taken the next step on this long road. We have information! Which right now is pretty damn good.

Mind Games

Day 6
 
      Not a good start to the day. Slept like crap because my mind kept racing. She was getting anxious last night before bed, I could tell, but said she was fine. I think that's what got me going. I had this recurring thought of getting to the doc's on Tuesday and his explaining to us that it was all a mistake and that they are just cysts. She's going to be fine! That's my 1% chance of happening part of my brain talking to me, teasing me, telling me it's all good man! Then we flip to the dark side and now the kind happy doc is telling us how sorry he is to have to be the one to tell us this but it's stage 4 and she only has minutes to live. See now even when I'm not trying my brain decides that if it's gonna play with me using the dark side it's going to use a little humor. Thanks brain!

     
     Still we wait till tomorrow trying not to listen to the voices in our heads. Being together helps. When alone one tends to fixate on the possible good OR the probable bad. At least I do. Having Xander here today will be a help in that department. -40 wind chill shuts down schools I guess. I don't remember that growing up. No shoes, both ways, uphill and all that.

At least there is football

Day 5

      Things are better today. We didn't wake up with a feeling of dread and anxiousness. She is in meditating and I'm here with my coffee coming out of the cold/flu head I've had since we found out. Now there is nothing to do till Tuesday and that can wait. Today is football!! Football food, beer, screaming and laughing. not much else to say today and I'm kinda glad for that. Much typing to be done as the days go by so I will bid you all a goodbye for now and.. GO PACK GO!!

Continued

Day 4 cont...

       I WILL NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP WHEN I NEED IT. I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY OR WEAK. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Sometimes I think it may take a village to keep that child, no matter how old, alive and with us. Thanks B.

The Notifying (cont)

Day 4

      Good friends have been told. I feel so bad I can't help more with what's going on in her head. We have this hurry up and wait attitude right now. We see the specialist on Tuesday but until then we aren't sure what to start on or get ready for or...anything! It's frustrating and I'm trying to tell her and myself that if we can't effect any change in the situation at this time to stop worrying. It's not helping. Going to try to make this a normal weekend and play some games together as a family and eat some junk food and just have fun. We'll see how well that goes.

The notifying

Day 3
        We have told our respective families and surprisingly they all took it rather well. I was glad to hear that because I was worried about her folks as they are going through their own trials with her father. He had hip surgery and now has little to no feeling in one leg. My family was good too although one wanted to be a cheerleader and try to pump me up, one wanted to analyze my feelings and one wanted to be the voice of the miracles of modern science. I don't know what I was expecting to be honest. I guess I needed them to know and share in this initial grief and just let it be that.
         An appointment has been made for Tuesday at Froederdt so we will know more then. I imagine things will get going really fast after that. The last 3 days all we have been talking about is cancer. We promised today that this weekend is cancer free and no talk of it. Just be ourselves and deal with all that after we see the doc. I'm trying not to look online too much about it. Was going to stay off of facebook because when it does get out I don't know if I can deal with all the well wishes, prayers and general sympathy posts from people I hardly talk to. I know they say the more people to help the better. I believe that as well but I just don't want the hollow "thinking of you" posts to my wall because I know it's just to make themselves look/feel better in the eyes of others.
        So today as I'm drenched in sweat being sick as a dog I am going to think of things we can do this weekend to keep the "C" word from occupying our thoughts.

Embrace the SUCK!

        I have a wonderful wife. She works and I work from home. She is a great mother to our 13 year old son. We have been together going on 22 yrs. We've had our ups and our downs. I felt like we could get through anything. That's going to be tested. Yesterday, the first of January, in the start of a new year, she informed me that she has cancer. Scared and in tears she woke me from sleep. I held her. I cried. I never thought anything like this would happen. No history. No nothing! I'm done crying now although I'm sure there will be more tears to shed over this next year. I decided to create this blog as a way for me to vent and get out what I need to when I can't to her. I have to be the strong one.

        As the days and weeks pass I will try to post something everyday as a way to document and also to convey our story. She is incredibly strong and I'm not worried she will overcome this attack on her body. Right now she is at work getting ready to share this with her co-worker so she will be able to help with reports down the road. Eventually she is hoping to be able to work from home but that's down the road a piece. She told our son. I hate him having to know but after things really get going you can't hide it. We've always been honest and up front with him on everything so why should this be any different.

        I'm sure I have more to say but honestly I can't think of anything more right now. I'm feeling like shit because I'm sick so I'm sure that's not helping my mood. It's odd that I'm sick and feel like crap and yet I feel like a whiny little child thinking of what she will be going through. Till next time...